You probably guessed what the topic is by reading the title. You may find it odd that this would be the topic of discussion on the heels of the final part in the Take up Your Cross series, which centered on healing. I get it. Honestly, there was a bit of hesitancy rooted in shame as I began this post because I did not understand why what I am about to share happened. Nevertheless, God is incredible; He used the battle I went through to highlight areas that I need to grow in more. My prayer is that whoever reads this post, God speaks to you regarding seeing your own battles in a different perspective.
If you read any or all of the posts from this year, you will know that this year God pushed me to get uncomfortable. For example, He asked me to be more vulnerable with you. This summer He gave me the vision for a specific type of women’s group—a group that He gave me a heart for earlier this year. I am the type of person that when an idea is out there, I start to think five steps ahead on the logistics. Case and point, after God put this type of group on my heart, I started thinking about whom I could potentially lead this group with before God gave me the concrete vision.
God kept the door for me to ask anyone closed, until after He revealed the vision for the group to me. As I reflected on the vision that God poured into me, I knew that the experiences that I went through in my life, the lessons that God taught me along the way, and the insight that He gave me on being a follower of Christ, He would use this group as one of the ways that I use my voice to share those experiences, lessons and insights. I was excited about the vision and the women He put on my heart to share it with. He gave me confirmation when the women He put on my heart to ask to lead alongside me shared that they too have a heart to lead this kind of group. Things were going great.
At least until late last week and last weekend happened, and a battle in my mind started to arise. Doubts that perhaps my role in this group was God using me to provide the vision while the women I shared the vision with (and potentially some other women) too were to carry out the vision and lead it. I cried as those thoughts and many others overwhelmed me. I cried out to God and listened through the tears as the Holy Spirit spoke the truth. One of the things that He said was I CHOSE YOU.
The doubts did start to go quiet. Even so, you may recall in the final part of the Take up Your Cross series how I mentioned that God repeats Himself throughout His Word because we need to be reminded of the truth. Well, God knew I needed to be reminded for He used friends in my life (including my brother) to repeat the truth that God chose me to be one of the leaders of this group.
Going through that battle was yet another reminder of the journey in vulnerability that God has taken me on over the last four and a half years. Four and a half years ago, I would not trust anyone outside of my brother or my mom to share the battle going on in my mind. Over the last four and a half years, He has positioned in my life people that it is safe to let my wall down and let them in and see when I am in a moment where I am struggling with holding on to the truth. I am grateful that God blessed me with people like the friends that He used last week/weekend to speak the truth to me.
Do not get me wrong, there are still moments where I think that when I let someone in, they will reject me the more they know about me. Friendship rejection happened on more than one occasion to me in the past. Even so, this recent battle God used to point out that I cannot let those scars cloud my view of the friends God positioned in my life today.
Speaking of friends God positioned in my life that brings me to the final area that God pointed out to me whilst going through this recent battle in my mind. One of the friends in my life spoke truth to me said, “I wish you could see yourself the way others see you. I wish you could see yourself the way God sees you.” I pondered those words and recognized that God allowed what happened to show me that standing firm in the truth about who God says I am is an area in need of more refinement.
So, what is the truth that we all should know about who we are? How does God see us? Before I share two verses in Psalm 139, I ask that we all resist the urge to gloss over the verses. They are popular verses but let us not let that diminish the power in what God is saying in the following verses. Please pause and sit in what God is telling you as you read them. Psalm 139:13-14 says,
13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
There is a lot to be said about the above verses, and I have a feeling that God will have me share those things in a later post. However, for this post, know that your personality, your physical features, your strengths, your weakness, and your gifts, God gave you. GOD CREATED YOU PRECISELY WITH THOSE THINGS FOR REASONS. The enemy would love to keep us all from seeing ourselves as God’s wonderful creations. I admit that I allowed the enemy to rob me of seeing myself the way God sees me for far too long. Has there been a thought that this recent battle ended in a loss since I did not put the lies to bed the second they came to my mind. Yes, that thought came. It even came as I wrote this post, but that is the wrong perspective. I choose to remember what James 1:2-4 says,
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
None of us will ever be perfect at shutting the lies down. At times, we will need reminders of who God says we are. Nevertheless, when we do face battles, we should allow ourselves not to look back on our battles as failures. We must notice the area(s) where we have matured since our last battle; and we must also pay attention to what the Holy Spirit reveals to us regarding the area(s) that God wants us to grow more in as we come out on the other side of our battles. When He does show us, we all have a choice to make: choose to allow Him to do the work in us or ignore it. As for me, I choose to let Him.
All Bible verses are from Holy Bible: New International Version